Monday, May 15, 2017

Heart Broken ---

I sit here at work needing to get all of this hurt out.

Growing up was not easy. I am not saying I didn't have things .. I had everything material wise.
Other then that .. I was a lost teenage for so many years and now that I am an adult I am not lost i know my path but it gets clouded by the past and the words of family that cloud my path.

When I think of unconditional love - I think of love that no matter what happens in life you can NEVER turn your love off for that person EVER.

So why can someone you feel like says they loved you unconditional but then take it back when you make a mistake..

I don't understand! - Im lost

I am going to be very truthful - No I didn't ever accept my step mom 100% - Its a point she loves to make but she chalks it up to me still have a bond or relationship with my real mother.

How is that wrong? How come having a relationship with my mom is SO wrong - We are not our mistakes its what we do to change those mistakes that makes us better and makes us stronger.

I am all about giving someone a second chance.

Here is why I never accepted her completely and believe me I tried!
She came into my life at 11 going on12 - i had it pretty good
My dad was married to this one lady - Then he started seeing my step mom when things went south but before I could really know here my dad was with her.. My problem was that my feelings were not taken into account.. If this was the first time I would understand but this was the third time my dad just threw a new woman at me

Then when she moved in I was babysitting at 12 years old a 3 year old, 7 year old, and an 8 year old. I had to cook for them and clean up after them. If I didnt clean up after them right I got yelled at saying Im just like my mother and I can't clean and her blaming my dad for not teaching me how to.
I was 12 and my HOUSE was never dirty until you moved in.

I had no freedom. I wasn't allowed to have friends. They chalk this up to me having responsibilities and that they were teaching me LIFE lessons.

The icing on the cake for me is after they got pregnant with my little sister the decided that now we have to call her MOM.  If we didn't call her mom we had to suffer a consequence. Come on LIKE seriously ..
When you blend families don't they have to EARN that? Don't I get to decide why am I always beings forced.

Then after that shit just went south.. Im not going to lie I made some poor choices but nothing that ever deserved to hold over my head all the way to my 20's

Now ALL of this is happening to MY SISTER..

They point BLAME all at us.

RESPECT IS EARNED NOT GIVEN! - It is one thing I am learning as a parent.

She never showed me she loved me no matter what any chance she had she was willing to throw me to the wolves and the moment before they kicked me out I was HOPING for a way out of the misery. They say you never talk but when you do you get made to feel like shit for feeling this way.

Actions speak LOUDER THEN WORDS.

I am going through all of this because I want to give my dad credit and invite him to the biggest day of my life.

As his wife said he is fine with out me. He doesnt need to be apart of my life or my kids life. I feel like I need to come to terms. I need to accept that I am shit to them.

I hold on to this hope that my dad does still love me unconditionally.
At this point I don't think he does. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure.


Friday, December 30, 2016

Letting go of the pain..

Growing up I had a great child hood awesome parents that loved me and showered me with all I ever wanted. Things got blurred when I was about 7 when my life crashed and my parents divorced. My dad was always sad and didn't understand the chain of events that led him there. I have lived with all this despair, anger, hurt for pretty much from when I was 7 and now I am 26 years old.

My dad then began looking for love. He never considered my feelings or my sisters we just tagged along the for the ride. I was broken inside. The relationship i thought I had with my dad didn't really matter. I pushed it all away I dealt with it all in my own way crying in the shower waiting for everyone to sleep and cry in bed. I cry a lot. I am not denying that my dad didn't love me I am saying that from the point where I lives changed he really stopped showing it the way he used to.

As I got older my confidence in my self fell apart. I was their but never fully there I was always hiding my feelings always trying to make sure no one could ever see that I was sad or felt alone. When someone would notice it never turned out the way you would think.. There was something wrong with me...

I made alot of mistakes when I was a teenager. A lot of it stemmed from me looking for someone to just LOVE me for who I am .. for someone to stop telling me that I am always doing something wrong. For someone to just be their without judgement or feeling like I am a failure.

When I was 16.. they kicked me out and told me to live with my mom. I was very sad. I was in the middle.. 2 weeks later they asked if I was ready to come home. This is the descion that truly was the hardest for me.  I was leaving behind my dad and my siblings. At this point do I go back and keep getting verbally abused and my confidence leads me to truly wanting to die. To end my life or do I stay here with my mom and my grandma and try to make the best of it.

I chose my mom and grandma.. not because I loved one MORE then the other. I chose to LOVE myself more. I tried to keep in contact but I won't really say how that went. I'm just trying really hard to let this pain go.. It had defined me for my whole life.  It has ruined me from being confident. It has made me cry more then it should have.

Yesterday was it for me... yesterday was my turning point. I am not to blame for what has happened to my dad and his family. My choices as a teenager didn't not make my sister maker her choices. I will not be the scapegoat. I will not be that anymore.

Today I say goodbye for now to my dad and his family. Today I say I need to choose my family. No matter what i WILL ALWAYS love my dad for everything he has done for me.. I am done getting made to feel like nothing and that my feelings don't matter that I am the one who needs to put everyone first. I am done! I am letting go.. (This has always been a place where i have been afraid to go) it sad that my dad won't be apart of my kids lives, that he won't walk me down the aisle. That he won't be at any of my key moments in my life.

There is no going back.. There is only looking foward.. Goodbye 2016

Hello 2017 - Elisa