Friday, December 30, 2016

Letting go of the pain..

Growing up I had a great child hood awesome parents that loved me and showered me with all I ever wanted. Things got blurred when I was about 7 when my life crashed and my parents divorced. My dad was always sad and didn't understand the chain of events that led him there. I have lived with all this despair, anger, hurt for pretty much from when I was 7 and now I am 26 years old.

My dad then began looking for love. He never considered my feelings or my sisters we just tagged along the for the ride. I was broken inside. The relationship i thought I had with my dad didn't really matter. I pushed it all away I dealt with it all in my own way crying in the shower waiting for everyone to sleep and cry in bed. I cry a lot. I am not denying that my dad didn't love me I am saying that from the point where I lives changed he really stopped showing it the way he used to.

As I got older my confidence in my self fell apart. I was their but never fully there I was always hiding my feelings always trying to make sure no one could ever see that I was sad or felt alone. When someone would notice it never turned out the way you would think.. There was something wrong with me...

I made alot of mistakes when I was a teenager. A lot of it stemmed from me looking for someone to just LOVE me for who I am .. for someone to stop telling me that I am always doing something wrong. For someone to just be their without judgement or feeling like I am a failure.

When I was 16.. they kicked me out and told me to live with my mom. I was very sad. I was in the middle.. 2 weeks later they asked if I was ready to come home. This is the descion that truly was the hardest for me.  I was leaving behind my dad and my siblings. At this point do I go back and keep getting verbally abused and my confidence leads me to truly wanting to die. To end my life or do I stay here with my mom and my grandma and try to make the best of it.

I chose my mom and grandma.. not because I loved one MORE then the other. I chose to LOVE myself more. I tried to keep in contact but I won't really say how that went. I'm just trying really hard to let this pain go.. It had defined me for my whole life.  It has ruined me from being confident. It has made me cry more then it should have.

Yesterday was it for me... yesterday was my turning point. I am not to blame for what has happened to my dad and his family. My choices as a teenager didn't not make my sister maker her choices. I will not be the scapegoat. I will not be that anymore.

Today I say goodbye for now to my dad and his family. Today I say I need to choose my family. No matter what i WILL ALWAYS love my dad for everything he has done for me.. I am done getting made to feel like nothing and that my feelings don't matter that I am the one who needs to put everyone first. I am done! I am letting go.. (This has always been a place where i have been afraid to go) it sad that my dad won't be apart of my kids lives, that he won't walk me down the aisle. That he won't be at any of my key moments in my life.

There is no going back.. There is only looking foward.. Goodbye 2016

Hello 2017 - Elisa

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