Monday, May 15, 2017

Heart Broken ---

I sit here at work needing to get all of this hurt out.

Growing up was not easy. I am not saying I didn't have things .. I had everything material wise.
Other then that .. I was a lost teenage for so many years and now that I am an adult I am not lost i know my path but it gets clouded by the past and the words of family that cloud my path.

When I think of unconditional love - I think of love that no matter what happens in life you can NEVER turn your love off for that person EVER.

So why can someone you feel like says they loved you unconditional but then take it back when you make a mistake..

I don't understand! - Im lost

I am going to be very truthful - No I didn't ever accept my step mom 100% - Its a point she loves to make but she chalks it up to me still have a bond or relationship with my real mother.

How is that wrong? How come having a relationship with my mom is SO wrong - We are not our mistakes its what we do to change those mistakes that makes us better and makes us stronger.

I am all about giving someone a second chance.

Here is why I never accepted her completely and believe me I tried!
She came into my life at 11 going on12 - i had it pretty good
My dad was married to this one lady - Then he started seeing my step mom when things went south but before I could really know here my dad was with her.. My problem was that my feelings were not taken into account.. If this was the first time I would understand but this was the third time my dad just threw a new woman at me

Then when she moved in I was babysitting at 12 years old a 3 year old, 7 year old, and an 8 year old. I had to cook for them and clean up after them. If I didnt clean up after them right I got yelled at saying Im just like my mother and I can't clean and her blaming my dad for not teaching me how to.
I was 12 and my HOUSE was never dirty until you moved in.

I had no freedom. I wasn't allowed to have friends. They chalk this up to me having responsibilities and that they were teaching me LIFE lessons.

The icing on the cake for me is after they got pregnant with my little sister the decided that now we have to call her MOM.  If we didn't call her mom we had to suffer a consequence. Come on LIKE seriously ..
When you blend families don't they have to EARN that? Don't I get to decide why am I always beings forced.

Then after that shit just went south.. Im not going to lie I made some poor choices but nothing that ever deserved to hold over my head all the way to my 20's

Now ALL of this is happening to MY SISTER..

They point BLAME all at us.

RESPECT IS EARNED NOT GIVEN! - It is one thing I am learning as a parent.

She never showed me she loved me no matter what any chance she had she was willing to throw me to the wolves and the moment before they kicked me out I was HOPING for a way out of the misery. They say you never talk but when you do you get made to feel like shit for feeling this way.

Actions speak LOUDER THEN WORDS.

I am going through all of this because I want to give my dad credit and invite him to the biggest day of my life.

As his wife said he is fine with out me. He doesnt need to be apart of my life or my kids life. I feel like I need to come to terms. I need to accept that I am shit to them.

I hold on to this hope that my dad does still love me unconditionally.
At this point I don't think he does. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure.


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